Separation Anxiety

As in...mommy separation anxiety.

I work from home and since the birth of Will we decided a nanny would work best for our family.  Someone who could take Tori to pre-school and pick her up, take the children to the park and on other excursions, play dates, errands if I need something.  The goal was to imitate as much as an "office" environment as possible for me with my return to work.

Obviously, there are some things that are different simply because I work in the same place my children are being cared for.  Tori is very well aware where I am during the day...three steps away from her playroom.  While she doesn't interrupt my day very often, it is easy for the both of us to want the occasional middle-of-the-day reassurance that we're here for one another in the form of a hug & kiss or verbal acknowledgment that all is right with the world.  I also need food & water, bathroom breaks, time to pump.  All of these activities require me to leave my confined space and cross paths with the kids and their nanny. 

The nanny is great.  She is very good with the children, gives them what they need, is receptive to ideas and is their playmate.  The problem is, I am not great.  It is admittedly very challenging for me to sit here and listen to their giggles, the funny things that are said throughout the day, the pitter patter of Tori running the halls, her cries when she falls and bumps herself, and Will's cries when he is uncomfortable.  No doubt I know they are being well-cared for but sometimes I still think (selfishly) that only I could do it better.  When Will cries and I here his nanny carrying him for a nap, I instantly think...no, he's hungry or he needs a diaper change, a change of scenery or he just wants to be held and walked around.  The hard thing is though, I am not standing there watching, I am only listening so none of my ideas are necessarily right, they are all just instinctive feelings.  My own role play of the actions I would take to turn those cries into a smile.  It's ridiculous.  I know his nanny is going through all of the motions to make him happy.  Babies sometimes just have uncomfortable days.  I know this because if I think back to my maternity leave, Will cried when he was with me too.  Tori fell and bumped herself, had tantrums and your run-of-the-mill 3 year old behavior, just the same when I was home with her.  We giggled, we danced, we played.  The only difference now is, I am in here and they are out there...with someone else, and it is not me, their mom.

On the flip side, I'm not ready to be a stay at home mom.  There are some aspects to working that I need for my sanity.  Like getting dressed.  Or at least, out of pajamas.  Talking to adults, keeping my career going without having to worry about re-entering the work force in a few years.  Regular showers, breaks to go to the gym and even a little make-up.  Peace and quiet. 

It's a catch 22 for me.  It really is because I would (I think) easily give up everything I just mentioned if I could have the opportunity to be home with them.  And I grapple with what the right answer is almost every day.  Russ still needs a wife, a clean showered wife, who isn't overwhelmed when he comes home from a long day at work.  And I know for centuries mothers have stayed home full time with their kids, many with more than 2 kids, and it isn't as dramatic as I am making it sound.  But this entry isn't about everyone else.  It's about me.  And I can tell you when I was home full time, I might have been meeting the needs of the children but I wasn't meeting my own needs very well, let alone Russ'.  The best thing I do for myself is leave work at 6 p.m. and truly leave it until both of the kids are in bed if I have to absolutely return emails or catch up from a busy day.  It's only a couple of hours a day that I get with Tori and Will and some of that time is spent on feeding them, doing laundry, whatever.  I try to involve Tori in everything so she is by my side helping me or just plain keeping me company. 

This is still a new schedule for us and I hope it gets easier and that I can adapt better as time goes on.  The real problem is there is no true separation for me.  I do not get in my car and drive away or bring them to a daycare and wave good-bye.  I have begun to tune certain things out, listen to music at my desk and limit the times I leave my office to times when they are napping so I am not interrupting the nanny's flow either.  I have to imagine it is an unusual situation for her too, but she seems to be doing better with it than I am.  My heart hurts sometimes and I have never had that feeling before.  It is a true heaviness that I am struggling to shake off.

I know this blog is intended to be about wellness and the adventures of becoming a vegan.  Sometimes I have found that in the quest for overall wellness, it's more than the tangible things in life that can be or need to be changed.  I am writing this to help myself find the balance that I need to bring more happiness into my life.  And right now, more happiness means wanting to spend more time with my children.  So how do I do it?  I'll have to put more thought into it and let you know what I come up with because right now, I don't have the answer.